I hope you are feeling better today because I absolutely hate it when you fall sick. Yes, I know it’s only normal and everyone falls sick once in a while. But darling, I just don’t get it why kids have to be sick. I guess no mother does. Anyway, I wanted to write to you about something I did a few days back and what I realised from that. Something about your mother’s patience. About why yelling must not be a mom’s first resort.
I wanted to write this down for two reasons. One, to serve as a reminder to myself and two, so that you know your mom is no superwoman, she is flawed and prone to stupid outbursts like everyone else.
So, this is what happened. We had just gotten back from the daycare at the end of another exhausting day at work for me. Since you had as always made your hands dirty searching for treasures on the ground, I took you to the bathroom directly to get you cleaned. In the process, we left your diaper outside which I’d throw away once I had changed your clothes and sorted you. Well, that was the plan.
Once you finally let me clean you up and get you a change of clothes, I brought you to the living room where you were to stay till I finished my other chores. So, handing you some snacks, I went on to play your favourite rhymes on the TV to keep you engaged. I would now get on with all that I needed to sort before the cook came in for the day. Also, and most importantly before I could finally sit down with you. But before any of that, I had to dispose the diaper which for the life of me I couldn’t seem to find anymore. It just seemed to have vanished in thin air.
So, I asked you, over and over again for its whereabouts. When I still couldn’t find it I started yelling at you because I thought you would have put in somewhere you shouldn’t have. So, I took you along and asked you to show me where you had kept it, all the while scolding you for touching things you were not supposed to. Do you know what happened next, darling?
Well, you took me to the utility where your diaper bin is and that’s when I realised that you had actually put the diaper there. How can I explain how bad I felt at that moment? Needless to say, I picked you up and hugged you tightly. M you must know by now that I’m such an impatient person. Often that comes out wrong and I end up scolding you when I can actually let it pass. Why when you run around in the parking lot on our way back home from work, I almost lose it every day. I know I blame the heavy bag on my back and exhaustion after a tiring work day for my behaviour or impatience. But does that justify how I react? I don’t think it does. Well, it doesn’t alleviate the guilt either.
Trust me, I’m trying to improve. I’m trying to learn some of it from your dad who seems to have a reservoir of patience when it comes to you. That day you, my little girl, had helped me in reducing one of my chores and what did I do? I thought the worse and started scolding you without knowing the truth.
I hate that version of myself who yells at you or looks at yelling as her first resort without even thinking about it.
Well, that has got to change or at least improve. I’m working on improving myself, M. There won’t be any overnight transformation or a complete change but I promise to not fly off the handle like I do at everything.
I love you munchkin with all my flaws. Hope you’ll always remember that. And I hope this episode stays in my mind and reminds me why I must not yell at you without all the facts at hand.