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“I will not be a common man. I will stir the smooth sands of monotony. I do not crave security. I wish to hazard my soul to opportunity.”
― Peter O’Toole
Is it not okay to be ordinary?
Sometimes a question like this perturbs me so much that I wish to go somewhere far and isolated to contemplate, to come up with answers. But then someone tiny tugs at my dress and I realise this is as much peace and quiet I’m going to get not to mention I can’t live without this tiny person. So, I need to make the most of it. Hence, if I need to find answers, I need to do it right here.
For the past few days, rather this last month, I have been thinking a lot about where I am in terms of my dreams for me as a person, not as a daughter, wife or mother. What have I achieved, if anything at all professionally? What has Naba achieved? Am I doing what I want to do? I guess we all know the answer to this last question. But honestly, I’m not sure if where I am at present will lead to where I want to be. Confused? Well, perhaps, after reading the complete post, you’ll get a fair idea of what I’m talking about.
Let’s back up a bit.
A few days back while on my way to work, I heard about this player named Jaydev Unadkat who was bought for a whopping 11.5 crore by the Rajasthan Royals for IPL 2018. Imagine how well this 26-year-old must have done to command that kind of interest and offer. I’m going out on a limb here to say that he is doing what he loves and for that he is being paid well too. What must that feel like I wonder? Good, very good undoubtedly.
This nugget of information on the radio kept replaying in my mind making me wonder where I am. At the start of January, all the hard work I had done over the last year was brushed aside for what can only be described as ridiculous reasons. Beleive me for I can be as critical of myself as you can’t even imagine. It was like my hard work had amounted to nothing. Honestly, I felt a little lost. And when that happens it kind of hits on your will to do more and even your confidence. Of course, being in the IT industry for a decade I know you never really get rewarded for good work. Well, not unless your manager is actually a good person or you are good at arse kissing. I have never been able to do the latter so you can very well imagine the disappointments that I have lived through. All because a job like mine ensures financial independence and stability for me as an individual.
It’s not like I don’t enjoy my work. I’m going to even say that I’m good at it. But I just feel like I’m stuck in a rot, not going anywhere. To top that my maternity break and the fact that I don’t stay back at work to ‘pretend’ that I’m working hard also keep pulling me back. It’s all about appearances, isn’t it? And the thing is with me what you see is what you get. So, I’m probably never going to be as successful as Jaydev Unadkat. And I’m probably never going to demand that kind of remuneration.
Is it not okay to be ordinary? #Life Click To Tweet
This also brings me to the other thing that inevitably keeps poking its head every now and then. How can I invest more time into my writing, something that gives me true joy? How can I do something which I love without worrying about bills? Can I take a risk and just immerse myself in the world of books and writing, where I’m my own boss? Each time I see people excelling in their passion, taking that leap of faith and doing well, I wonder why can’t I do that too. But everytime responsibilities or the fear of the unknown future scares me. And when you add a kid to that equation, her future, it makes that choice even more difficult. Or, maybe I just don’t have it in me to follow my heart.
So, I again come up to the conclusion that I’m perhaps made to be ordinary. Perhaps, my life will only be about going through the routine of this thing called life. I’ll keep doing this job which makes me more unhappy than happy, which hardly rewards me and which pays me not nearly enough for my effort and experience. Perhaps, this dream of taking up writing as a career will only remain that, a dream. Blogging is perhaps only as far as I’ll go in terms of having my works published. As you can imagine, it’s not a good feeling.
Maybe I’m in a dark place today. Maybe when I wake up tomorrow I’ll see the glass as half full, full of possibilities. Tell you that ordinary is good because I know I have told that before. For today though, it doesn’t seem so. Don’t get me wrong, I have a great family and I’m also fortunate in so many countless ways. I’m grateful for those every day. But somewhere there is this part of me which wants to maybe achieve something, fulfil this dream that I have nurtured for a long time and just not be ordinary even if for one single moment in my lifetime. But I just can’t seem to find the courage or time to go for it with my complete focus. And that disappoints me. So, maybe ordinary is only as far as I’ll go.
Does something like this bother you too?