2018 is coming to an end. I can’t quite believe it? But I say that every year, don’t I? Seriously though, wasn’t it just yesterday that I was in a hotel room in Chennai with my family waiting for the Y2K bug to hit? And bam,18 years have passed by already! I’m a mother now, have been for 3 years, and not entirely sure if I have been actually good at it. So, let’s do some introspection, shall we, on how 2018 has been as a mother for me and how I wish 2019 turns out to be?
What Kind Of Mom I Want To Be In 2019
You know one of the things I’ve learnt in my limited experience as a mother is that there is no such thing as a perfect mom. There are just moms and each mom is perfect in her own way, just that she doesn’t know it or doesn’t remember it much. Hard to when you are running around with your dark circles but trust me that’s the God’s honest truth. Each mom just keeps trying and trying to achieve a version of perfect in her own way without giving herself a break. Failing at times, succeeding at times but trying at all times to be the best mother she can be. Now, often that vision of perfection is her own mom. The same is true for me. My version of perfect is to be a mom just like mine though I’m not sure if I can ever be.
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One of the most remarkable qualities of my mother is that she is really, really patient which means she doesn’t just fly off the handle when we don’t do what she wants us too. As a mom, as a person even, I’m nothing like her. Always impatient and therefore often angry, that’s what I am many a time as a mom. That’s what I have been as a mom in 2018. And honestly, I’m not sure I like this version of mom that I am.
But why am I like that?
Being a mom is a stressful job. Yes, it’s a job, a full-time job with no leaves, though the cuddles and kisses you get with it are totally worth it. Still, that doesn’t make it any easier. Moms are humans. Moms get tired, exhausted really, but there’s no shut off time. So, it’s but natural that our stress manifests as how we react to our kids. The same thing happens to me. When I look back at the year that passed by, I realise that many times I’ve scolded M when all she was doing was being a kid. And all because I was stressed and tired. Now, I know I’m human and it happens. But I really want it to happen lesser in 2019. I don’t want M to think of her mom as someone who is quick to get angry. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy or that I’m going to suddenly change into this calm version of myself, but I can try. Can’t I?
If you ask me I would rate myself as a 5 or a 6 as a mom in the past year. So, I want that to improve in the year that is to come. I want to be a happy mom, not a stressed mom. I cannot sustain this. So, if I have to be working while being a decent mom to M, and doing all the other things that I have to do on a day to day basis, I have to try to be a little less stressed, a little more relaxed in my routine. Now, I can’t control the external factors, the manager who is a pain in the rear or the dreams that don’t pan out, but I can presumably control my reaction to all these. My husband would probably laugh if he reads this. Controlling reactions proactively isn’t really my forte. But you know what, I’m going to make an effort to do that.
So, this mom wants to be slightly more patient in the new year. This mom wants to have fun with her little girl. This mom wants to fill her little girl with so much love that she doesn’t even know she has. No resolutions for me just a vision to be a better version of the mom that I’m to M now. Of course, the daily struggles will continue but if I can only tweak this aspect in me, tighten a few screws, it could go a long way in making me happy and M too on so many levels.
All I want for 2019 is to inch slightly closer to the best version of mom that I can be to M. Sounds about right, doesn’t it?
Tell me, what’s that one thing in which you were not so great in 2018 and want to be slightly better at in 2019?