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A few weeks or probably a month back, I chanced upon an episode of Grey’s Anatomy when something from it hit right home. I think it was Dr Maggie Pierce worrying about the things that could go wrong with Meredith’s kids (her half sister’s kids).
‘..last week, I turned away for one second, and my nephew had dumped an entire bag of flour on the kitchen floor.
…what if that happens again and it’s a pot of boiling water this time?
I’m not used to this, being scared like this, worrying all the time.’
That last line from Dr Pierce seemed so familiar. It could as well have been me saying those words.
I think it was sometime in September when I turned away for a fraction of a second and M fell off the bed. I cannot tell you how many times I have replayed that dreadful scene. Though she was fine, I wasn’t. I was thankful nothing happened to her but then so many other scenarios kept playing in my mind. There seemed to be no way to shut those down. What if she hit the corners of the bed or the sharp drawer pulls? I couldn’t shake off those feelings. Nothing helped. Not talking to S or my sister. Not closing my eyes or focusing on something else. I had made a mistake. I felt guilty but more than that I felt so much vulnerable.
What if she fell again? Surely, she would fall again. If not immediately then when she tries to walk. Then in the school playground or even at home. What would I do then? How do I save her from getting hurt?
Well, true to my fears, she did fall again. She is trying to walk these days and no matter how much I try to be careful she does fall sometimes. And my heart just breaks, every single time. At this rate, I’ll probably have a heart in bandages when my time here is finally up. Anyway.
After pacifying her every time she falls, my mind rehashes the whole thing and involuntarily so many fears, terrible what ifs, crop into my mind, those which I just can’t shut out. This is probably one of the effects of being a parent.
Being a parent is being vulnerable. #Parenting Click To Tweet
When you decide to be a parent, you take up vulnerability for life. I have read similar experiences from other mothers and I wonder if this reduces as the children grow up.
I think it is because we love them so much that we feel vulnerable. We fear that something terrible might happen. And the mind goes on an overdrive.
Brené Brown says ‘Vulnerability is the core of all emotions and feelings. To feel is to be vulnerable.’
Maybe that explains why parents worry so much about their kids, why I worry about M all the time. And come to think of it, it can happen in any relationship.
Tell me, does this happen to you too?
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