Dear M,

It’s been a long while since I have written to you. Mommy has gotten a little lazy when it comes to writing, hasn’t she? What can I say? It’s time-consuming when you move into a complicated project while working from home during a pandemic. So, that and you have been sucking all the energy I have. But I mustn’t complain. We need to remember to be grateful, don’t we?

Today, I thought, I should talk to you about losing loved ones.

A lot has been on my mind these days M, a lot. But I must admit, the foremost has been the fear of losing my loved ones. As a child too, this was something that scared me a lot. You’ll eventually learn, death is inevitable. There is nothing we can do to stop it, and that’s what terrifies me. The fact that one day someone I love might be taken away from me.

If you remember, I lost one of my Mimi’s (Mashi – My mom’s sister) last month. I told you about her, didn’t I? She was a feisty one. Independent and uninhibited. She went away so suddenly that it left all of us in shock. Do you remember what you told me when we got the awful news of her passing? You told me why didn’t I speak to her as regularly as you chat with your Mimi. You told me what would I do now since I would never be able to talk to her ever again. 

You were right, and in your innocent way, you pointed out the uncomfortable truth, M. I do wish I had spoken to her one last time, but I didn’t which I have to live with now. It never crossed my mind that this day would come so soon. It never crossed my mind that the Mimi who played a part in convincing your grandparents that your dad and I should get married would leave us so soon.

I can’t even recall the last time I saw her. It’s a shame. I think it was at my wedding. I remember her feeding me while we were waiting for your dad. On our side, there is a norm of the bride fasting on her wedding day, but my Mimi told me that was all nonsense. She kept feeding me appetisers, not giving a hoot to the world. That’s just who she was. Whenever your Dadu and Amma were admitted to a hospital or were sick, she would call and enquire about them. It felt like there was another elder who cared.

Many years ago, I was in her house when your great grandfather had passed. She and your Dadu had broken the news to me in her kitchen in Asansol before telling your Amma. I still remember what I was wearing that day. I also remember where we were standing. This time when Baba gave me the news, it was about her. Just like that, she was gone.

You know, M, whenever I posted anything, she would be the first one to comment. She messaged me on Messenger too, and every time it was full of love. I wish I had corresponded more with her. When I look back to the chats with her, it breaks my heart. How can she be no more? Who would like my posts now and tell me that she is so very proud of me? She loved you a lot too. I will always regret not taking you to meet her.

I can’t help but think that slowly all the aunts and uncles I grew up with have started leaving me. And I don’t even want to give voice to where that thought leads me to. Your mother is afraid of what lays ahead. Yes, she is. 

Losing my Mimi reminded me of the uncle, my boromama I had lost almost 13 years ago. So, much before his time too. You know he would have loved you. I miss his voice and his dry sense of humour. During winter vacations, he would buy me storybooks for he knew I loved books. He would also get all the things that I loved to eat from the market. I remember visiting the yearly fair in Silchar with him. You could say he was the leader of our pride. He took care of everything and everyone, but destiny didn’t give him time. I met him about six to seven months before that fateful day when he left us. I still cannot imagine Silchar without him. It’s like he is still there.

When my dida died, I regretted having not seen her one last time. I repented not taking your Dad to meet her. Do you know she wanted to travel on a train with her caretaker to attend my wedding?  Yes. That too, when she was not well at all. I miss her and her ladoos.

When I think back to all of it, it reminds me of how we need to make time to meet our loved ones because once they are gone, we would have nothing but regrets. And trust me, that’s not a nice feeling at all.

Honestly, I’m scared M. I’m terrified that death can come and snatch away the people we love without notice. I don’t know that I’m strong enough to deal with loss, though I know I have to be.

You will learn that nobody likes to think about losing their loved ones, but the fear lives at the back of their minds. The truth is that from the moment we are born, the countdown to leaving this earth begins. But we never quite think about it unless it’s too late. We get lost in the rigmarole of life. Everyday life engulfs us and before long many important things are left behind.

As you grow older M, you’ll learn more about loss and losing loved ones. You’ll learn about regrets. You’ll learn about heartbreaks on losing the people you love. But know this too, that life will still go on. Life goes on, no matter how unfair it seems. And while you will feel sad, even broken, take the help of the good memories, of the time spent with your loved ones. Because, my dear, unfortunately, this is something I cannot protect you from even though I want to with all my heart.

Love,

Mumma.