Don’t you sometimes feel smothered by unsolicited opinions hurled towards you by people, friends or at times even random strangers?
Don’t you feel appalled when people find it’s okay to advise you on your own life, even when you haven’t asked for any?
Everyone seems to know, no actually, everyone believes they know better about how to live your life than you yourself do. What you should wear or eat, where you should study or work, what kind of person you should be, they assume you are doing it all wrong and must listen to what they have to say. Tell me this, haven’t you wished this cacophonous buzz to just stop once and for all?
Well, I have. And more so in the past few days.
Everybody seems to have an opinion on the kind of mother I should be, now that I am one.
The advice just keeps pouring in.
I like to experience life by myself. I need to do my own learning and make my own mistakes.
I don’t need any Tom, Dick or Harry, rather any Tara, Diana or Heather telling me what kind of mother I need to be.
That’s just how I’m wired.
But that doesn’t stop people from overstepping, does it?
From whether I should use Pampers or cloth nappies for my daughter to which creche I should put her in. From why I’m using Pampers and not cloth nappies to why I’m not using kajal on her. God! It just doesn’t stop.
Everything I do is wrong, apparently. And I’m not saying I’m all perfect but can’t I learn how to be a mother to my child on my own. I’m sure I’ll do just fine.
For the record, I’m not a person who oversteps her boundaries. I never force my opinion down someone’s throat. Never. So, when my personal space is breached, I just can’t handle it.
Why can’t people just respect boundaries?
Sometimes I just want to tell them that M is my and S’s responsibility and, thank you so much but, you needn’t worry about her. Yes, we are new to parenting but we’ll manage.
Nobody is born a parent, right?
And it’s not only about the how-tos, mind you. You are scrutinized for every statement you make.
When I wrote that delivery was one of the most painful experience in my life, I apparently should have added that M makes it all worth it. Because, without that explicit statement, I ‘m just a sefish woman, a bad mother. Which I certainly don’t understand because isn’t every mother a good mother?
To say I miss work is apparently the same as saying I don’t value the time with M. As if I can’t be a mother and an individual at the same time. As if yearning for going back to work or simply going out on my own is wrong.
It is like I have become a walking, talking example of terms and conditions applied. So, if I say something which, God forbid, sounds sacrilegious to the mommy brigade, the asterisk at the end would signify that M does make it all worth it.
Are we really that harsh on mothers? I didn’t know. I mean I did to a certain extent but it is very overwhelming to live it. What’s hurtful is that mothers do that to other mothers. Yes.
I remember reading how a stay-at-home mom thinks that working mothers are being unfair to their children. I remember specifically one such mother commenting on how someone can leave their child in the care of some unknown person. Of course, the other way round not rosy either. Working mothers judging stay-at-home moms for giving up their careers is not unheard of.
Actually, you can pretty much just say that any mother judging the parenting methods of another is a norm.
Why can’t we keep our views to ourselves? I get that we can’t stop judging people, especially those who make life choices in complete contrast to ours.
But do we really need to make it a point to throw our views out there when we clearly know it’s not the right thing to do?
I know this post sounds like a rant and maybe it is. I just want to tell those nosy people, as good as your intentions are, please back off. Let me be the kind of mother I want to be and if I need to change let M be the one to tell that to me, not you.
Well, I’m not going to ask if you have experienced this because I’m sure you have. So, mothers just go on and tell me your stories of being judged for your parenting and life decisions? I’m all ears.
Just be yourself Naba! There is no point in listening to others. People are wired a certain way and not everyone can get that. I don't want to have babies. Ever. And I am subject to so many atrocious questions, you have no idea. People think I'm selfish as I do not want to give up my job for a baby. People think that I'm vain as I do not want my body to change. Basically people just think that I'm stupid for not wanting to have a child. But that is my choice, isn't it?
I have always strongly felt that it is always the women who judge and complain about other women. It's so sad. Aren't they supposed to understand the other's plight instead?
Cheer up, Naba. It's all in the parenting game. As you said every mother must have to go through this. And that too, being mercilessly judged by another mother. As you said it's only M who has rights to judge and correct you. Be a bold parent, Naba. Loved the rude truth in your post very much.
Cheer up, Naba. It's all in the parenting game. As you said every mother must have to go through this. And that too, being mercilessly judged by another mother. As you said it's only M who has rights to judge and correct you. Be a bold parent, Naba. Loved the rude truth in your post very much.
Ha ha, yeah, many women don't know how to respect boundaries. Always happy to help.
Hope the angel is doing fine.
Read each and every word, line by line. Nabanita, you seem angry and hurt. It's true that some people talk and show like they know everything and the new mother is stupid, and it's irritating. You are right, it happens to every mother, the flood of advices. Listening is not the point. The point is what you do. Do what your doctor (or sometimes your instinct) says.
But Nabanita, there are some points where you need some advices and opinions even when you haven't asked for. There are some points which make you question why someone hasn't suggested something before? What if I didn't ask for?
Parenting is a learning process, true, but sometimes, it's better to not make your own mistakes (As you have mentioned in your post). Some mistakes are not to be made (even without realizing) when it comes to your little ones (saying for certain reasons).
You are a good mother, and you always will be. Cheer up! Best wishes…
It's all in the game (my son is 25, by the way) and it must be a part of human nature. Always remember: YOU are the expert. Trust YOUR instincts. Never doubt yourself and don't look back. Alana ramblinwitham.blogspot.com
Oh yes – all mothers feel they know best and many feel their way is the only best way. I remember having arguments with my own mom too but at least I could yell at her and get away with it as postpartum blues! Ignore everyone Naba. Or listen, analyse and then do exactly what you want.
Oh, God! They don't ever grow up, do they? I fail to understand why we want to judge others all the time for the choices we make.
It's no one's business how anyone brings up their children. Poking your nose there is a whole new level of intrusive.
Curious to know her name. Lots of love to the little angel and lots of hugs to you, this too shall pass.
I think it is only appropriate to write a post on my blog about the judgements we received and still receiving rather than typing it all here because it never ends. I started to give replies now because I can't take it anymore. You are a good mother, that's all you need to care. No one will say that but you don't forget it ever. We must always remember that we did the best we could, keeping ourselves and our kid happy. If you want to go back to work you should that because by sacrificing something you love you won't be happy and if you are not happy you can't make anyone else happy. Vent it out Naba, that helps to keep the sanity intact between the sleepless nights and coping up with new challenges and booting the unwanted advises.
Gosh! sorry to hear that you are being poured with unsolicited advise and I am sure it's so annoying. You be yourself cos M is your daughter. May be people think you are new to motherhood and you need help so they are trying. Ignore them – do what yo like and don't explain yourself to anyone. I know you are a lovely Mum! We all know that. Smile and look at M – who knows no one other than you 🙂
I have seen friends having to deal with their parents and remarks.That becomes a different ball game all together. I am sorry you have to deal with so much judgement and unsolicited advices. You have got M, you have got S, just ignore the rest. 🙂
Been thru a similar frustration… my feeling is that the judging never stops… over time, we stop caring about it, we stop having the need to explain… that has been my experience… hope you find your peace soon…
I know, Soumya..I know people don't really understand boundaries and when women do that to women it hurts… But sometimes it just gets too much
True, Alka.She's doing good, thanks.I guess I shouldn't get so worked up after all…
I get that, Tarang… But I just don't want to be handed advice with judgement..Every mother thinks about what is best for her kid, nothing less..No third person can do it better..I'm tired in two months, always having to validate what I'm doing..how do you do it for a lifetime?
Trying to do that, Tulika…Sometimes the advice is given in such a judgemental tone that it all goes down the drain…
Oh they don't change at any stage, Akanksha..But anyways..Her name is Myra 🙂 hugs & love right back at you girl…
Maybe that's why they do but thy certainly don't come across as that..but yes I should just concentrate on M 🙂
Trying to , really trying to 🙂
Thanks for the reassurance:)
Listen to everyone but do what you want to…Good luck with your little one:-)
I think, some people judge others for anything which is not good/correct/call whatever according to them, as if the other person is not adult enough to handle his/her life. Oh wait, did I tell you I find only women judging others and showering with their unwanted advice.
Welcome to the club! No, motherhood is not your business but everyone else's. And you are anyways a first time mother. How can they leave you unattended! Don't stress yourself, Naba. This happens with all of us. And if you assert yourself, you're nothing but one mean woman. Cheer up and enjoy M's various stages. Nothing else needs so much attention.
Welcome to the club! No, motherhood is not your business but everyone else's. And you are anyways a first time mother. How can they leave you unattended! Don't stress yourself, Naba. This happens with all of us. And if you assert yourself, you're nothing but one mean woman. Cheer up and enjoy M's various stages. Nothing else needs so much attention.
I've been a mother for 8 years. I've just had baby #4. I've been a SAHM, a working mum and a SAHM again. Now I'm about to become a WAHM. I've heard it all. Why don't I bottlefeed. Why don't I leave the room to feed my baby (in my own home). Why don't I use cloth nappies. How can I stay at home all day doing nothing (hahahahahah)? How can I leave my babies in care? It's never ending and doesn't matter what choices one makes.
Tell me about this… I have gone through exactly the same things… Peaople constantly telling what to do and what not… But then… the best way is dont be perturbed… Just be yourself and do what you think is best for your child…
That's a good idea. Thanks, Amit
Ahh yes..though some men do the same as well in different ways perhaps..but yes we seem to have an opinion about everybody's life but we shouldn't have to voice them always no?
Oh yes Rekha, I've already got the tag of a mean, crazy woman ..so you are right, I should just enjoy with M 🙂
It sure is never ending..I guess we should not allow them the pleasure of rattling us
True that sure is the mantra..sometimes it just gets too suffocating:)
Ah dear girl. Welcome to the downside of motherhood. Much as you feel you love the goo goo and ga ga, there are times when you do want more intellectual stimulation. Of course you don't love your baby any less but no one understands that except perhaps your own mother. And if you think you find the expert advice unbearable – wait till you become a grandmom – then you have even MORE advice coming your way because now you are too OLD to know any new stuff. I am living in a 4 generation family where everyone gives me attitude including my grandbabies who happily kick me ( playfully of course) and spit out the food they don't want…..
Some people are very judgmental and takes pleasure in fault finding.
Be happy Naba, enjoy motherhood, it is a blessing.
I feel really angry that as a woman you are not even being given the right to say delivery is painful.period. I cannot understand why even pain has to be used to criticize. You need to know that when I talk about your blog post to new mothers or fairly new mothers in our gated community, they feel empowered to vent out and confide their difficulties in me. They are going through so much. Knowing that finally someone is telling the world the truth helps them feel they matter, and their difficulties are valid and not their fault. Hold your head up high knowing you are right. Rakhee
when judgement comes, I notice, mothers judge other mothers! Earlier, when I wasn't married, it didn't really mattered to me or may be I didn't understand the depth of it.. But now I get it. And I wonder, this is so wrong. Every mother has her own way of upbringing her child and for Gods sake, she is the mother, she will do the BEST for her child, come what may! Nobody can argue with that. What sucks is, when mothers know this fact and yet judge other mothers on it.. that's where the problem starts..