Right from the moment you become a mother you are expected to be an expert in everything related to babies.
No, I’m not making this up. This actually is something everyone around subconsciously expects of a mother. And it’s not only the others, even the woman who has just delivered expects nothing short of perfection from her very own self.
She might never admit it. Actually, she might even go as far as scoffing others who do believe so. But eventually, on a certain long, feeding and nappy changing night it does dawn on her. She realises, staring at her own harrowed reflection on the bedroom mirror, that she is just like her newborn, at times scared while at times lost in the journey they have begun together.
It is going to be a month since we brought little M home. And, honestly much to our surprise, the time before her in our lives seems non-existent, as if very far away. This realisation itself is extremely scary after all, parenthood is no joke.
To tell you the truth, it’s a bit overwhelming for me. I never knew I would feel so connected to her instantly. Honestly, it terrifies me, this bond that seems so strong yet so fragile. I’m worried and befuddled for I fear not measuring up, I fear falling short of being a good mother to her.
It’s not easy this transition and this phase, far from it actually. It seems as though the entire stress of the world has suddenly been unloaded on to me. Emotionally I feel vulnerable and there is no explanation as to why. Or, perhaps there is. The emotions seem full up to the brim. Those stubborn tears, ready to flow at the slightest of provocations, sometimes even without.
Just the other day, there was a sudden avalanche of tears when I was given a glass of milk to drink, for my own good of course. Why? Seems silly, doesn’t it? Well, I guess the milk reminded me how much I dislike drinking it, filling me with negative thoughts, leading to some kind of domino effect. And then the floodgates opened bringing out those tears for reasons beyond comprehension. I feel as though I’m being pulled from all directions, driven over the edge by invisible triggers.
It is quite natural, actually. It appears it’s okay to be moody, unpredictable and emotional in this phase. Many factors contribute to this. A woman who has just delivered is not only in need of a physical recovery but an emotional one too. But there is a paucity of time for both. Add to that pressures from unwarranted quarters making things even more complicated. What you have as a result are a sudden deluge of stress and emotional outbursts. I must admit I have had a few already.
But why should I feel stressed?
I don’t need to be an expert at motherhood. Nobody is. I’ll learn the tricks of the trade in good time. And since no one can love little M like I do, I’ll be the best damn mother she can ever have. No one can blame me, judge me for not being ‘perfect’. No matter what, I’ll be the best mother for little M.
So, if you are a mother too or are going to become one, I want to tell you this. Don’t blame yourself if in between cries and coos, you find yourself helpless. A mother is also just another human being, a normal human being at that too, without any superpowers as opposed to what everyone forces one to believe. It is okay for a mother to not fit the mould prepared by society.
So, it’s okay if…
- …I don’t excel in everything related to little M from the word go.
- …I cry when I’m not able to pacify her.
- …I have a foul mood without any apparent reason for I don’t need one.
- …there is a slight delay in my reaching a crying little M. It could be because I’m in the loo or having dinner at the end of a very, very long day. Well, actually there is no such thing as ‘end of day’ for me but that’s another story.
- …I’m upset at smelling like milk throughout the day.
- …the leaking breasts bring a deluge of tears every damn time.
- …I complain about the same things over and over again.
- …no one else understands the extent to which the slightest of judgement hurts because they don’t know me or what I feel.
- …the sudden realisation that my life is never going to be the same again brings about an anxiety attack.
- …there are moments when I feel extremely alone in this new phase in spite of all the support from my family. I’m allowed that liberty.
- …there are times when S being able to continue his office or go for that occasional dinner with friends annoys the hell out of me. Yes, in spite of him being the perfect hands-on-dad. I’m allowed that too.
- …there are moments when I feel it is unfair that only my life and my body had to change so much.
- …not getting 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep makes me cranky throughout the day.
- …I feel saddened that this maternity leave will lead to me restarting my career from scratch, even though there is no love lost between my office and me.
- …I don’t have the patience for sermons on how to be a mother or how difficult it is to be one. I have an idea because it is I who went through the pain of delivery and who has also got those stitches as a reminder of that.
- …sometimes I just want to be left alone.
- …I don’t wish to meet or talk to certain people.
- …I feel vulnerable and not cared for in spite of everything being on the contrary.
- …I fall asleep feeding little M at times.
- …I find it difficult to wake up at 3 in the morning for feeds.
- …I sit and doze off at times while feeding her in the middle of the night.
- …the dishevelled look on my face makes me irritated with everyone around me.
- …I miss going out of the house while the fact is I’ve always loved being cooped up at home.
- …I feel scared at the thought that there won’t be an off day in my life for a very long time to come.
It is okay if I dare to feel what I actually feel.
Don’t get me wrong (actually, even if you do, I don’t mind), I’m also enjoying this phase, strange as it may sound after reading this post so far. It’s true though and motherhood, anyways, is multi-dimensional, to say the least.
I'm not here to prove my aptitude for being a mother to anyone and neither are you. It's okay, just be you! #Motherhood Click To Tweet
Just hugging this little human being that we made melts my heart. This feeling, I must say, is unparalleled, scary beautiful but unparalleled. And I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Well, not after having had the sweet taste of it. The things she does, the faces she makes and the way she holds on to me with her tiny little fingers, I can’t explain what it does to me. I want every bit of her in my life, in my arms but while doing so I think it’s okay if I don’t try to please everyone around me, even my subconscious. It is not a race that I have to win, just a relationship with my baby that I need to live and build.
It is not a race that I have to win, just a relationship with my baby that I need to live and build. #Motherhood Click To Tweet
So, if you are a mother with fleeting moments of judgements aimed at you, at times from unexpected quarters, I say, ignore them. Because I will try to do the same. I’m not here to prove my aptitude for motherhood to anyone and neither are you. It’s okay, just be you!
Mommies reading this, tell me about this phase in your life. Did you feel the same way and how did you deal with it?
Oh yes. You are far from alone! It's been over 25 years but, in some ways, it is like yesterday. In the United States we call it the "baby blues". There's no way you can know until you give birth, what it does to you. The Internet didn't exist when it was my time, and I had to turn to friends and family to explain why I would just burst into tears out of nowhere or feel overwhelmed. You already know what to do. Be you! Ignore judgements. Your body will straighten out and you and your baby will learn each other better. It will get better! Alana ramblinwitham.blogspot.com
I just loved the way you have put what you felt! I think every time there is something new in our lives it is the same, we don't know what to expect and we have to learn things on the go. And I understand that it is all the more hard for a new mom because there this all new life to care about. Don't worry 🙂
The first 3 to 6 months after delivery are the hardest, Naba. If you find any of the emotions too frequent or overwhelming, please don't hesitate to talk to someone about them. The stress of motherhood is very very real. Hugs and many hugs as you navigate this new journey. We are all here and feel free to ping/call me any time you just want to vent or feel better. Promise to listen. Always.
My youngest is 20 today but I remember many of your feelings only too well. I appreciate your honesty and candidness describing your fears and inadequacies as you embark on this journey of motherhood. It's not for the faint of heart but the joys and rewards are well worth it. All the best!
Yes, it is absolutely okay to be you, to feel overwhelmed, to be scared…all of those things. Hugs dear Naba!Just trust yourself, you are doing great mommy! 🙂
It is very tough this phase. The reality is much worse than we thought. For us, the first two months were awful. The elder son would keep us awake for 3 hours without fail every night. It drove me over the edge. My sister was visiting back then for about 2 weeks. She used to help out at night. What I'd say is don't hesitate to seek help from husband, from mother, from friends. I remember that I used to thrust the baby into G's arms when he got back from work and went out for a walk to clear my head. I also started getting massages to calm my nerves. Pick up the phone and talk. Venting really helps. You can always call me. Love and take care.
It is very tough this phase. The reality is much worse than we thought. For us, the first two months were awful. The elder son would keep us awake for 3 hours without fail every night. It drove me over the edge. My sister was visiting back then for about 2 weeks. She used to help out at night. What I'd say is don't hesitate to seek help from husband, from mother, from friends. I remember that I used to thrust the baby into G's arms when he got back from work and went out for a walk to clear my head. I also started getting massages to calm my nerves. Pick up the phone and talk. Venting really helps. You can always call me. Love and take care.
For the first one month I was at my mother's place, so it was fine. It's only when you don't have a support system, it becomes overwhelming. You will be fine and a great mother. This too shall pass. 🙂
I don't know about motherhood but I know that every mother does her best for her child. I'm sure little M is in very safe hands 🙂
First things first… A big hug to you, dear Nabanita! Now smile and know that what you are going through is perfectly normal. It is going to be a trying time but have patience and do find time for yourself too. Take help from all those around you! Love to you and Lil Ms M 🙂
The moment I started reading this post I knew I would love the writing! And it happened. Naba being you is more important than being perfect. That is all. *hugs* you are going to be M's mom and that is complete perfection in itself 🙂
Being a mom is not an easy job. But, we all have our won ways that finally lead us to perfection… or at least near to it… 🙂
These initial months are very stressful, Naba. Do not expect it to be easy, and do not let any one else convince you that it is going to be easy. It's not.
The effect that sleep deprivation alone has on us is really underestimated. Don't expect perfection, it is going to be one glorious mess, and you will live through it.
When I had my son, I was living in the US, and no one from India was able to make it. It was just me and my equally clueless hubby, a few frantic phone calls to India and Google. I was beyond stressed and terrified.
The one thing that you need to always know (and you do) – You are the best mom this baby could have, and you will do your best. At the end of the day, that is all you can do- what any one can do. Some days you may feel that you are not giving your best, and that is okay too, as you are human afterall.
P.S. Try and find small little distractions and do things that you enjoy doing. It will make a world of difference. I used to read in breaks. Just have realistic expectations.You will not have a lot of time to indulge, and so make small breaks work for you.
Imagine all your hormones put into a bottle and then someone vigorously shakes it !! That's what you might be feeling in the first few months .. Good news is you will get back to your usual self !! Just don't be too harsh on yourself!! Sending you lots of love n hugs across the Arabian Sea !!
Oh yes. I can related to a lot of those though it has been a good 10 years now. Initial motherhood was not easy for me esp. with my son waking me up for a good part of the night..Not having enough sleep was the worst. But one thing I can tell you from my experience is that most mums go through it. Some more, some less. Some have easier times and some have tougher.But the initial part will soon be over and suddenly your child will be big and independent and you will be left with only memories. So enjoy it all..both the ups and the downs and you will be laughing at all of it someday 🙂 Happy motherhood !
It is and isn't as well…am I making any sense? 🙂
Thanks Alana..That means a lot..I guess it's okay to feel everything I am feeling, it's part of the process….
You said it Reema..I guess I will get the hang of it soon, won't I? 🙂
Thanks for dropping by !
Thank you so much Shailaja…I know you guys are always there to listen 🙂
S is helping me more than he can, so I'm okay for now..If anything, I'll surely reach out
You said it Cathy, it is definitely not for the faint of heart…Hopefully, I come out of it having done justice to this role and this new life
Thanks so much Aditi , means a lot 🙂
Yes, I remember talking to you about that and even reading about it in one of your posts, I think…It is indeed tough and I knew it will be…I guess I need some time to settle into this new phase, some teething troubles as a new mother, I guess….And I know you are always there to listen and advise if I reach out..:)
Thanks Ruchi..My mother is here and I have a great support system too but I somehow seem overwhelmed still! I guess I should try and take as much help as I can and not push back 🙂
Thanks so much Soumya 🙂
Thanks so much Shilpa…I get a lot of strength knowing that what I'm feeling is actually quite normal…<3
Thanks so much Richa….I'm trying really hard to be me and all the encouragement that I get , from you included, is really important to me 🙂
Really, we all do have our own ways, don't we?
Nicely put, Maniparna
Thanks so much Shantala for sharing your experience…Yes, I'm having very realistic expectations..And I'm trying my best to read and write in between to just hang on to m sanity and that part of me that I only know so well…I'm trying and like you said,we are human after all…We can do how much we can do and take heart from the fact that no one can love our babies more that we do…
Thanks so much Sangeeta .. <3
I'm waiting to get the hang of it all and also get back on track with the life I know with the little one in tow
Thanks so much 🙂 You know, one of the reasons I'm writing about all these to look back and probably laugh on it someday along with helping me get through it today
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