Credit | Sergey Nivens via Shutterstock
Have you ever faced the fear of failure?
Around the mid of January this year, I had to appear for an interview. Never in my life have I been scared of interviews before this particular one. Anxious, yes, but scared never except maybe during my campus placements. But never after that. This time, though, it was different and I wasn’t even interviewing for a new or a better job. It was the same job in the same organisation with the same policies but for a new project. This time I was so scared that after a point I couldn’t even recognise the woman in the mirror.
I always knew the interview would happen and I even prepared for it. But there was something that made me feel extremely low on confidence this time. Perhaps because it was a new tool. Or, maybe because the higher ups made such a big deal out of it that I was shaken. Whatever the cause, I was nervous, full of self-doubt and looking for a way to escape.
Sometimes the fear of failing is greater than the confidence in preparation.
Honestly, I felt miserable in the days leading up to the interview in spite of the preparations. I wanted to avoid those higher ups who kept, in my view, scaring all of us slotted for the meeting. Any conference with them left me with a bitter aftertaste and I just didn’t want to have to do anything with them. But like anyone with an IT background will tell you, I didn’t really have a choice.
I reached a point when I just wanted to escape the entire process. I wasn’t going to get anything better out of it. I wasn’t even going to get a hike. Why go through this ordeal for something that I would be doing in the same workplace? But these were all excuses. The truth, however uncomfortable, was that I was trying to bolt from this situation. I wanted to run away without facing this interview which was making me edgy. And then I thought about M.
If I run away from obstacles, how will I teach my daughter not to? #Life Click To Tweet
If I ran this time, what would I teach M? There will be moments in her life too when she will be in situations which make her ill at ease. How will I teach her to face her fears, stand her ground if I myself don’t do that? Now more than ever I would have to face this interview. Now more than ever I would have to face my anxiety and come out of it. If I failed in appearing for this interview, I would fail in more ways than one. But if I failed after appearing for this interview, I would win in more ways than one.
A quote from Henry Ford came to mind when all these thoughts of setting the right example for M were occupying my mind. Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently. And I talked myself into facing my fear.
I would go for the interview. I would try my best since I had worked hard for over 2 months on it. I would do my best and leave it at that. If I make it, good. If not, then there would be something better. And more importantly, I could look into the eyes of the woman staring back at me from the mirror and feel good about trying.
The thing is ever since I have come back from my maternity leave (and it is over 6 months now), I have faced questions on my commitment by virtue of being a mother. I have been subjected to analyses, not based on my experience or merit, but on my being a mother. Somewhere all these have managed to make a tiny home in my psyche making a wriggle room for doubt in my own abilities. And perhaps even become someone who runs away from unpleasant situations, even if momentarily.
When someone questions your commitment repeatedly, it dents your confidence. I have been asked point black if I’ll be able to give my 100% on a project now that I am a mother. I wonder if a working father ever has to face these questions. I think not. No matter how much I try to scoff off these ignorant remarks, somewhere they manage to affect me every single time. I fight these off but the traces remain. The repeated questions or the questioning looks make me question myself too. In fact, I had even started having doubts in my abilities and on my resolve being on the receiving end of these enquiries, and perhaps, I still do from time to time.
But that’s not me. That has never been me and that cannot be me. No matter how much the circumstances become unfavourable, I’m determined to fight. The thing is I cannot face myself if I don’t. And I cannot teach M to do the same if I don’t. So, fear of failing, self-doubt or the questions, come what may, I’ll keep fighting.
I’m determined to fight
Tell me, are you afraid of failing? How do you deal with it?
***
Linking to #mg hosted by Mackenzie Glanville
Aren’t we all afraid of failing, Nabanita? It’s what keeps us going. No fear eventually causes complacency. Even in ‘The Dark Knight Rises’, Bruce Wayne was told to jump out of the pit without a rope, so that he could use the fear of death to overcome his challenge.
It’s remarkably brave to stand up to something you fear. It might turn out better than you had imagined. If it gets worse, you can step away. But by doing this, you’ve set an example for M. If she ever questions you about whether you practiced what you preach, you can say “Yes.” This is reassuring not just for children, but for ourselves too.
Way to go!
Hope your interview went off well. Very proud of you for fighting your demons. Oh yes, it is difficult when you are mortified about doing something. But the only right thing to do is to face it head on. Not only is that a great lesson to ourselves but to our kids too.
I’m not sure I would have gone for that interview given that it wasn’t really making a difference to my career. But I’m so glad you did go. Each time you’re ever scared again you’ll know you kicked your fear for this one and will perhaps be less scared next time round. As for this thing about evaluating women based solely on whether they are mums or not – that’s the most frustrating and annoying thing at the workplace.
So proud of you for going through the interview. I hope you got the new project. Else, try harder next time without thinking about what happened before. You deserve a better project, M deserves you.
I’ve been in the IT field for close to 9 years now. Same company. I came in straight from a campus placement and haven’t been in a interview after that. Yes, I have changed projects and streams within the same company and it wasn’t easy. When I moved from being a developer to a consultant, the interview was screwing. But I knew I wanted a job where I was paid to talk, so I prepared hard and aced the interview. That job had me travelling every month or so and I was getting exhausted. Then Cal happened and I did not want to leave him and travel anymore. I quit that project and went on bench. After that there were no consulting projects in the company that did not have a not travelling clause. The only choice I had was to change streams again. I did not want to go to development again as I hated the mechanical feel of it. Testing was my next option and I gave a hundred interviews before I got a project. I had 4 years of experience and was on a senior level. Nobody wanted to hire a junior tester for the level I was on. It was rejection after rejection, not because of my knowledge gap. Just because I was a senior and also because I had no hands on experience. I was on bench for 3.5 months, before I finally managed to get into a project. The rejection made me strong. It made me tough inside and outside. I knew I had to get into a project because staying at home for 3.5 months was driving me insane. For my own sanity I stayed strong. I pushed myself and finally found a project. It’s been 5 years since then and now as a test lead, I have other projects fighting to have me in their team. Victory has never tasted this sweet.
Don’t question what you are. Being a mother or not should never define what you do or achieve at the workplace.
Sorry about the long comment. When when you have seen rejection so closely, you have to share it.
We are first role models for our kids. They learn from us. I used to have this fear of failing and avoiding it due to lack of confidence and support . But over a period of time I realized what ever we do will reflect on our kids. So I try it for once atleast, may be its result would be disastrous or embarrassing but atleast the feeling that I attempted it will give me some kind of satisfaction.
Sometimes it is just because we’ve been in the position for too long that any change upsets us! It is nothing more than an intertia to continue where we’ve been, so it comes out from the subconscious.
I am a member of Toastmasters (there should be a club in or around too)…that keeps me prepared for any interviews, anytime! I change job/project often anyway.
Hope the interview went well…you did well by asking yourself those qns.
I hope things are improving for you Nabanita! I totally understand that this must be a very challenging time in your life because you don’t look the kind of person whose confidence could snap so easily. But, I’m glad you are looking at the situation objectively and talking about it openly, ready to look at things in the face and face it all head-on. I wish you good luck and hope things fall in place for you, and that it all works out for your best. Tough times often bring out the best in us, Nabanita and I’m sure you’ll come of this supremely confident, sharing your experiences of the turnaround in one of your forthcoming posts. Keep your chin up girl, you are meant for bigger things in life! Love and Hugs!
every mom will face these questions initially cuz your kid needs more mom than dad and company needs you more than your personal reasons which will affect your efficacy at workplace.people who questioned you are doing their job with NO-NONSENSE approach.mom n kid relationship is very important than corporate job till the kid becomes 5yr old and the father- kid relationship in the initial stages(till 5yrold) is not as emotional and needed compared to mom.if you are financially sound ,give up your job and take care of kid until he grows lil older.most moms do that and they get into job later.
you know why APPLE and FACEBOOK made offer to freeze eggs for female employees.in corporate,there is no such thing called gender discrimination,they just measure people based on efficacy and the personal circumstances you are in.
if you are good at something then you will be fearless,if you have nothing to lose then it makes you fearless .when you have nothing to lose,you will give your best.
You are such a strong woman, Naba and I know for a fact that your posts on women issued especially working Moms give so much courage to other women in the same position.
‘They’ with their questions and raised eyebrows about our work, our commitment cannot and should not bring you down.
Keep fighting and proving them wrong.
Hope the interview went well! Love!
I am, and the thing that gets me through it is to look back at my track record. Every time I’ve been nervous, I also know I’ve gotten through the project. Things tend to fall into place when you’re doing vs. thinking about the future.
I’m afraid of failing and I see my boys being a bit shy to make mistakes and “fail” too. Usually I just take a deep breath and make myself face it, and hope for the best.
Ugh. I hate that you were asked if you could give your full commitment now that you are a mother! Men are never questioned that way. I think it’s probably illegal here now, but that just means that the sexism is pushed below the surface – it’s still here. Sigh. I remember working in an office where the men would all phone their wives and find out what they were having for dinner. And I knew I had to go home and cook (at least half the time), so I wasn’t going to waste time. Being a new mother probably means that you’re just as focused or more focused than you’ve ever been, because you don’t want to fritter away the hours you spend at work away from your child.
I have to say that I’m someone who very much worries about anticipated events, and has to push myself to do things that make me nervous. But I’ve tried to teach myself not to worry so much, to realise that as long as I prepare, anything else is beyond my control, and to try to put it all into perspective. It’s hard. I’m getting better. A bit!
Remember – every time you face something hard is a victory, regardless of the outcome. And that’s worth celebrating. Good luck for the interview.
I am and I still take it head on because if I will let fear win, what will I learn?
I’m so proud that you went ahead with the interview and that’s what is important. Giving our best shot in all things we do.
What did it go for you?
Brilliant post. I have shared and I hope many read this and understand that failure is one of our greatest lessons, and our reactions to such obstacles will play out in the ways we choose. TY! #mg
There have been quite a few times when I have chosen to run away after a break up in Mumbai and on quite a few occasions. It makes me remember one interview for a diplomatic organization where I felt like running away. It’s not the best way to face our inner demons and we need to stand tall to take things in our stride, success or failure. It’s an inspiring post, Nabanita.
Wonderfully written Nabanita! Fer is something all of us have, how we deal it makes the difference. I have tried never to back off from a situation however scared I am of it, I somehow feel I would be disappointed in the long run if I run away. This has been great in many ways to me ever since childhood and incidentally made me into a confident person.
To a very large extent we all out scared of fakljres. We avoid any such situations. But is giving up the solution? Face it and then we slowly realise it isnt that bad actually …… Alll the best Naba…..
I appreciate your total honesty. I think we all fear failure but many people try to hide how they feel. I think the first step in overcoming the fear of failure is to face it. You are so right that we have to be role models for our girls. I always felt nervous going into job interviews. Ironically, I think it made me a better interviewer when I was a reporter. If you don’t put yourself out there in uncomfortable situations, you never push past your comfort zone. Keep fighting and keep us posted. #mg