I Was Depressed Once

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Depression.

 

Ups and downs are a part of life. What is that saying? Yes, life is not a bed of roses. There are good times and then there are bad. And it makes some amount of sense too. How else would learn to be grateful? How else would be treasure what we have before going back to hankering after what we don’t? How else without the highs and lows?

 

If I look back at my life, I feel humbled, lucky and happy. I have been truly blessed to have parents who have given me a sheltered life, one where I was protected and loved more than I feel I even deserved. In fact, I still am. I have a sister who is my rock. She’s younger but has been with me helping me navigate through this maze called grownup life. And then I have a partner who truly cares about my happiness, tolerates my quirks which I have in plenty. He walks with me on this journey which is at times tough. I know it well that I’m truly blessed, more than many women I personally know or have read about.

 

So with all that in mind when someone asks me that I can’t possibly know what depression is, I think he is possibly right but then maybe not quiet. There was a time, albeit short, in my life when I was probably quite depressed. Now I’m not a medical professional so I can’t be sure of it. But let’s just say that there was a time when I used to secretly take my father’s BP pills to numb my senses and sleep. Yes, sleep so that I didn’t have to deal with the uncertainty that had suddenly crept into my life.

 

It was towards the end of 2009 and the entire 2010 when I felt like I had been thrust into this new kind of life. A life where everything was not always fine. A life when even the simplest of things weren’t easy. A life when even my parents couldn’t shield me from emotional pain.

 

S and I weren’t married back then. His mum had recently passed away so he was under tremendous pressure to get married to someone else. I still don’t know how he endured all of it and stood by me while being a good son too. I didn’t go through the pressure and mental stress as he did but it was tough for me too.

 

We didn’t know if we would even end up sharing a life together. The idea of being with anyone else, of him being with someone else was too much to even endure. I remember we would tell each other jokingly that let’s be together this month and we’ll part ways from the next. But of course, it was no joke.

 

Love is no joke. Spending your life with someone is no joke. But in our country, it often is.

 

Now when I look back, I can’t even fathom how we went about our day to activities while being under so much emotional stress. I guess resiliense often comes about as a reflex action. I remember once we took a bus to Bannerghatta National Park during those days. That was supposed to be our last outing together. I think it was sometime in April and from May we would go our separate ways. I still remember waiting for him at Majestic. It was one of the brightest days in the city. You know those beautiful, sunny and colourful days you have in Bangalore? That day was just that but I couldn’t feel any of it. All I recall feeling is heavy.

 

I vividly remember the trip, our conversations while feeling sedated with pain and helplessness the whole time. I recollect passing a car showroom and seeing a family posing for pictures. I looked at them and thought we could have been them in a few years. I didn’t want to think that we’d not be together. That thought was too painful. I didn’t want that day to end even though I have no interest in bus rides or National Parks. And that day was just a template for so many other days we spent that year.

 

I coped with all this by becoming irritable, shouting at random people trying to sell stuff to me on the streets. Rambling on and on and often losing it. I didn’t cry because I lived with my parents then and it would have broken them too. So, I took it all out on my sister and S. But still, I couldn’t share it all. S was devastated and doing more than anyone could have in his position. And my sister was just a child (still is for me).

 

So, I took cough syrups and my dad’s BP medicine as my escape. It was stupid and reckless of me to do so. I knew it but I still did it. It was the lowest point in my life and I never want to be back there again. That was a horrible, horrible time. And when finally everything was sorted and we could finally get married, I couldn’t enjoy my wedding one bit. I still feel uncomfortable and upset talking about my wedding or weddings in general. I absolutely hate seeing wedding pictures or attending weddings. I haven’t seen my wedding video yet and I don’t know if I ever will. Unresolved issues and hurt perhaps.

 

It was a time in my life when I was depressed. I walked around with a heaviness in my heart which I couldn’t shake off. So, yes, I was depressed and no once could have known that I was. No one. I was lucky to have found a way back before it got worse but not everyone is as lucky.

 

So, don’t take depression lightly or mock it because it can happen to anyone. Also, it can make you do things you normally wouldn’t.

 

***

Reflectionsfromme

Linking to #mg hosted by Mackenzie Glanville

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25 thoughts on “I Was Depressed Once

  1. It takes courage to come out in the open about something like this Naba. I admire you.

    It also takes more courage to overcome troubled times alone. And I can relate to the feeling of not wanting to see photographs of a certain event. For a long time, I felt like that about a few events too.

    I hope you’ll someday address your unresolved pains and make peace with them. I won’t hope that you find the strength, because you already have it.

  2. Naba, such a sad time you have described here. The pain is terrible of impending separation as you both did not want to separate. But living through it is hell. Good to see that life has sorted out itself.

  3. I think I have been through some very depressing times, the memories of which when I revisit are still very painful. The time when my mother was very sick and bedridden for years, her illness and passing away are some of the darkest times in my life. Also, there are other events which drive down my self-esteem and make me depressed and unhappy. I have approached counselors many times, even when I was struggling with behaviour issues with kids. I guess this must never be taken lightly and going to a therapist should sort of become normal just like we do health tests. With huge stress in our lives, depression is a reality.

  4. So very sorry to hear this, Naba. It couldn’t have been easy going through what you did. Depression cannot be taken lightly ever. I am hoping that now with the spotlight being trained on it and more people speaking up, we can dispel the stigma around it for good.

    Going through that phase must have been terribly lonely. I understand. For my part, I am glad you are out of it and I empathise with that feeling you must have had. Big big hugs and know that I am always just a phone call away. Always.

  5. Hey I am not following this life account. Looks like you got married to the same person you wanted to get married too… then why did you not enjoy your marriage. I am glad its all over and your happy and well. Depression can happen to anyone, people can’t say that you have such a lucky sheltered life that you don’t know what’s depression. Truth is everyday, we struggle and face challenges, its part of life, we learned to embrace it and be happy.

  6. That was a really rough patch back there. So sorry you went through something like that…and I’m glad you came out stronger. 🙂

  7. That sounds like a hard phase to deal with and it needs a lot of courage to share that with your readers.
    Relationships are stressful. The emotional roller coaster, the expectations and what not. I can relate to a few of those words and I agree they were hard times.
    It’s good to know that you are out of it and you have the support around. Know that I am also just a call away. Hugs!

  8. Hugs to you dear.. depression is a very serious issue and it has to handled carefully. I m glad you came out of it and shared with us.

  9. hmm you still have symptoms of depression and you did not get rid of it.am saying this after going through your twitter account and your blog. there is nothing wrong in speaking out as long as we don’t do immoral things.sadness and depression is into everyone’s life and people just don’t speak out. its easy to get rid of depression if you deal with it openly.

    when i broke with my first gf,it was really tough cuz she was first girl in my life and never spoke to a girl before .she tried for me for 2 years and then only i spoke to her and it led to love.she was really scared of her family cuz they were into murder politics in my constituency.its difficult to deal with politicians where honour killings are common.so we have decided to discontinue and this has left me mad,depressed and it was total disaster..i spent sleepless nights for 2 or 3 days and then i went straight to a doctor who did MD in general medicine as psychiatrists were not available in my city at that time(2004).i told doctor that am suffering from depression and insomnia.so doc asked me the reason,i told him straight. he prescribed anti-depressants and anxiolytics for a month. came to my room and took medicine for 2 days but it did not help me.so i went back to pharmacy and asked him medicine for 3 months as i have planned to gulp all those pills at a time.i thought all the day before doing this and did change my mind and gave back medicines and bought gillette razors as they don’t return cash. being bold means having clarity in mind and being outspoken in every aspect.anti-depressants did not help me but its my will to think of life beyond a girl.i have joined a gym and went shopping and played cricket to keep myself busy.by the time i came back from my vacation for my 4th year engineering classes,i was totally new and different person.i never saw her face and it did help me to grow as a person and thinker.

    a personality should be in such a way that there should be nothing to hide with people who match your frequency.i did share this with my mom,friends,doctor and there was/is nothing to hide in my life.am as clear as glass.my 2nd gf is a doctor and doctors are really good for engineers.i find lot of peace or calmness in her presence.

    well naba,i wrote this just for you cuz i felt really sad after reading your post.when someone says they felt sad,its not looking at you inferior way,but they just want to help you by writing a comment like this.

  10. Thank you so much for baring your heart out.. it must have taken a lot of courage… You are so brave… I hope one day you’d be also able to resolve those issues and look back to the past days with nostalgia, emotion and pride…. One day pain of those days won’t stop you from appreciating your wedding video and browsing your wedding album… Wishing you happiness and love..

  11. This was such a heart-breaking account Naba. I am sorry you had to go through all of that and that you perhaps had to relive it as you wrote it out. I do hope you’ve got it out of your system. I am glad you found the courage and clarity to do so. So happy you’re together with S and in a happy state. You’re right Depression should never ever be taken lightly. It can lead us into such dark alleys of our mind that we didn’t even know existed. You take care. Looking after a baby while handling a full time job isn’t easy too and stress sometimes brings on depression. #mg

  12. Love can hurt in ways that we cannot even imagine. The thought of not being able to live with the one you love is indeed very torturous. This post is so honest and straight from your heart. And I hope somewhere someone would read this and feel a bit better to know that they are not alone. Kudos to you for coming out of this phase and also for sharing your story.

  13. Depression is not something that everyone will understand.

    It is a terrible place to be in. The pain, the anger, the helplessness kills you. But the fact that you come out of it with flying colors is what matters.

    Having people who love you unconditionally around also works like a charm. You should be lucky to have them.

  14. So sorry to hear that you had to go through this, Naba. We never realize that we are in depression when it is there. That’s why I think that all of us should talk to a counselor or therapist on a regular basis. I have never consulted one but I would like to. Our mind is subjected to such harshness everyday and we don’t even realize that. Like brushing our teeth everyday, we must take care of our delicate mind too daily.

  15. I can’t possibly imagine a hell worse than suffering from depression. It’s like a black-hole, where the light never enters. Perpetual darkness. No hope. No dreams.

    I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy!

    I’m glad things worked out for you and S in the end. Yes, the scars don’t heal so easily. But, I hope one day, you will finally be able to look back on all of it with lightness in your heart, minus all the fear and insecurity and anguish.

    Hugs, Naba! Take care

  16. I must say you have been quite Brave. In our country people hardly recognise depression and that’s why it is neglected. Wish there was more awareness. Thankfully social media today is walking up to this… But lots more needs to be done.

  17. Oh dear, it must have been such tough times, Naba! Not at all easy to even write it all down. I’m glad that things turned out fine in the end for you and S. Surely, mental health is a topic that makes people uncomfortable leave alone feel confident to broach it with a doctor or an expert.

    Hugs, Naba. Take care.

  18. You are right Naba, everyone goes through some trying times in life. Even the strongest of us lose our resolve to stay strong in the face of adversity. It is in fact scarier when supposedly strong and balanced people go through this phase, since no one expects them to break down. So it is a vicious cycle. It was really brave of you to speak about this incidence in your life. Warm hugs and much love to you. Your shared experience will help people going through a similar phase in their lives.

  19. What an authentic and brave post. I too have been depressed, and without having experienced it, it is very tough for others to understand. Bravo for coming through stronger, and sharing your journey. #mg xo

  20. Oh Naba, my heart goes out to you. You are brave and strong. You sharing can mean so much for others – thank you for doing that. I have been through some rough times in life too…. happy to read the feeling of hope and strength in your post – yaying for you girl- sending big hugs and lots of love your way

  21. I think we all go through depression at some point of time, it just takes a brave person like you to own up to it. I’m so glad that S and your sister were your rocks during this time!

  22. Brutally honest. And while some of the most joyous memories for others may be dark for you, I am happy you have moved on and are happy today. i totally agree that people should know better than to mock those who are going through a bad phase. Stories like this bring out the reality of it by putting a known face to the pain of depression.

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